Gardening Horribilis: What Not to Do in the Garden

If you are going to stake that dahlia, do it in a way when it is young that by the time it has matured the staking and caging is not visible!

"Staking, and caging and rocks, oh my!"

There were no pink flamingos or garden gnomes, at least, although once in a while the right pink flamingo staged in just the right spot does have its appeal (or maybe this small nostalgia for pink flamingos dates me to my college years on the UW-Madison campus); but on the Portage County Garden Parade there was a lot of the horrible, what not to do in a garden.

Handsome Son knew there was something wrong. Suddenly his mother was in a picture-shooting frenzy, like sharks suddenly sensing blood in the water. He gently grabbed my elbow and murmured in my ear, "TIME TO GO!" and dragged me from the garden as I hastily snapped off a last few shots.

There was a garden I visited after the organic CSA, and the gardener with the no-mow buffalo grass lawn that is the sort of garden that makes me shudder. They think they are gardeners and they will have some beautiful flowers in vases on a dining room table somewhere, but they are also the gardeners that probably add plastic cushion protectors to their couches and lamps. They'll no doubt have the "good china" they use only for special occasions. Instead of working with their site and challenges, they use elaborate caging and fencing to get their garden to do what they want it to do rather than allow it to be what it should be.

And then there are the gardens with way to much pricey statuary and elaborate fountains often in their front yards. I don't know about you, but "plastic" and "garden" seems like it should be a non sequitur.

When I first started seeing these in the garden, I looked at them with my "crow eyes" (not to be confused with crow's feet 'ya all!), and though "bright, colors, sparkly". Okay... Now I have seen so many of these, I am thinking NO! THIS is not even as funky cool as bottle trees!

Okay, it's too much statuary when I can take a picture of your fountain (in your front yard) and the cherubs, too, all without changing the zoom on my camera.

Merd, hate to tell 'ya, your secret is out. Don't label your garden circles, all your paths, and every common plant. Let your garden slowly reveal its secrets. Do label the really cool plant you received and grew from seed from a garden pal in New Zealand that is not even supposed to grow here in central Wisconsin!

PLASTIC GARDEN fences. Grr!

Inadvertent Christmas in July (it just seems a tad orange in this picture, but trust me it is full-blown CHRISTMAS in person.

What is with that high edging? Does it keep out the ground squirrels? Sock monkeys? Gumby? WHAT!

If you shell out the big bucks for a beautiful grafted dappled willow standard, at least learn how and when to prune it!

And finally, you KNOW what I think of these!

Instead, walk over to that tree look up into its leafy boughs and give it a big hug. Stand there a moment and feel its life force, and then go grab a hose and water the dang thing!

My Dream Garden

I have been gardening nearly all my life, several decades. I have learned from friends, classes, books, the internet, a garden club to which I belonged, and most recently a retired doctor of horticulture and master daylily hybridizer. I have yet to have actually achieved my "dream garden".

In my dream garden, there is not a lot of grass. The grass that does coexist is lush, a little long and does not harbor creeping Charlie, nor quack grass masquerading as its domesticated cousin. The grass does not have grubs actively working its roots. It does not go dormant, dry out, or think about colonizing my garden beds.




In my dream garden, all the daylilies and iris actually bloom every year. Some of my iris don't bloom any given year making it hard for someone who is constantly moving stuff about to not throw out the baby with the bath water. I also have some poorly positioned daylilies in a bit too shady of spots that do not send up scapes. Whoever decided daylilies can tolerate shade was wrong, particularly since I have seen the effect of daylilies that get everything they need to be spectacular (in the garden of Dr. Darrel Apps). Full sun, people!

I will finish my hardscape projects, like this dry stone laid path, the beginnings of which can be seen here.


And I would have some nice statuary and garden art.





My dream garden would have lots of roses, clematis and peonies. They wouldn't be sad sorts of roses, clematis, and peonies with just a bloom or two. No, they would be so over laden with blooms that the weight of spring rains bear the blooms to the ground. Overblown and lush, their millions of petals would carpet the ground.

Another Edition of Ornamentation in the Garden: Surprised by Statuary

Statuary placement is definitely the use of the idea that less is more. Turning a corner in a garden and being surprised by a piece of statuary placed in just the right spot is wonderful. I wish I could say these pictures are from my own garden, alas, no; but these gardeners did get it absolutely right.

I think it is important the statuary have significant heft and be somewhat classical in its presentation. It should rise about or framed by the foliage. Blooms, of course, can accent the piece.

Enjoy!