Monday, July 22, 2013

NTAS Alert: Shrub and Alley Border Security

MEMO: Invasive Species, See Attached NR-40, NTAS Alert Re: Shrub and Border Security
TO: Talking To Plants
FROM: Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources (WIDNR)
CC: US Department of Homeland Security, Infrastructure Protection


Dear Talking:

It has come to our attention certain plant groupings may be harboring invasive cells in your shrub and alley border.  These invasive plant cells may be planning terrorist activities, including but not limited to, corruption of your shrub and alley border, blocking sunlight from reaching the other residents in the border, a general breakdown of design in the border, and possibly culminating in an Evil Plan for World Domination.  

We are hereby issuing this border security alert and raising the alert level in The Garden to YELLOW.

The last year's drought and heat wave followed by this year's late cold spring make perfect conditions for prohibited and restricted invasive terrestrial species commonly known as common buckthorn, cypress spurge, Bell's honeysuckle, celandine poppy, creeping bellflower, lyme grass, hemp nettle, and tansy to gain a foothold in the The Border if security is not on Alert Status.

We are not sure the direction and form this terrorist activity may take.  We are targeting invasive species; however, be aware this activity may be initiated by homegrown species.

This change in the Alert Status for The Border section of The Garden requires vigilance with electric hedging equipment, hand shears, and pruners; intervention of The Shovel with The Red Handle and Folding Saw may be required.  Be aware, unless the Alert Status turns RED, you are not authorized for interventions requiring chemical controls as initiated by the collaboration of Big Pharma and Com-Ag (i.e. Monsanto or Bayer).

What Can You Do?

  1. Be Prepared
  2. Know the NR-40
  3. Be Vigilant
  4. Prune
  5. Deadhead
If you have any concerns or detect any activity, please contact us. 

Remember, together, with the help of Big Pharma and Com-Ag we can control Invasive Species. 

Thank you for your cooperation.


  1. HAHAHAHAHAHA- do twice daily perimeter sweeps!

  2. Love you posting. Such a great sense of humor. You are good! I have much the same need for an alert and watch in the gardens here on the shores of Lake Michigan. Great job today. Jack

  3. Heeheehee... How much I hate Buckthorn! So many thousands of those seedlings I pull up every year, so many branches of it I lug out of the woodland section at the edge of our garden every year, and still it is everywhere, taunting me.

  4. Funny post. Shouldn't it be Security Alert Yellow with Contrasting Accents of Blue? I really don't think it's fair to put celandine poppy in the same category with creeping bellflower, unless you mean the Ranunculus celandine. I like your picture, by the way.